“Did you come to this country to pray for the proper functioning of your genitals?” — Not quite! But regardless, I handed over 900 yen to the creepy lady in her penis garden and began the tour of Gunma’s only penis museum.
Chinpokan is located just outside of Shibukawa on the way up to Ikaho and by first appearance it seems like any old Japanese building along the side of the road, likely selling ramen or odd souvenirs. Once you take a peek at the garden around back it becomes evident this is not your ordinary museum.
Myself and two friends paid a visit to Chinpokan for the first time a few weeks ago, and I can’t help but recall the old cliche; “it was an experience I will certainly never forget.” Upon arrival, the old lady who runs the place stopped us in front of a quaint pond surrounded by trees and shrubs and began her spiel of which I could only understand about half. Upon closer inspection of the Japanese garden surrounding us, I realized the stones structuring this pond area were more than they seemed, and suddenly the large stone penis poised above the moss-covered stone vagina was in clear sight, like realizing an optical illusion you now can’t ignore.
According to the old lady, we were obviously all there because of the troubles we are having in our sex lives, and have gone to pray for the proper functioning of our private bits, and thankfully her years of experience in such an industry allow her to properly diagnose exactly what needs praying for. One-by-one she made her way around the group copping a feel of the guys in the vicinity, explaining to each one their reproductive ailment. “Big body, small penis!” she said to one poor, now emotionally damaged, young Japanese man. She made her way to our party and despite all hesitation and attempts to guard ourselves, she grabbed us three in our private areas and explained that we are, “too dry”, “too loose”, and “with bad technique”.
With our self-esteem sufficiently damaged at this point we continued on through the garden of moss-covered statues proudly displaying their enormously unproportioned penises and made our way inside to the main room of the museum. The walls and floors were covered in pornographic paintings, stone carvings, and wooden figures, and suffice to say I have never seen a sausage party to this extent in my life. The old lady went on to demonstrate the proper method of prayer to reverse the ailment she previously diagnosed by tapping this large body-like tree trunk three times with a wooden stick and shoving it up inside it with as much force as possible. After a few more words I couldn’t quite make out, she was gone to leave us to our devices.
This was perhaps the most silent museum visit I’ve ever had, as the three of us made our way through the several small rooms with a permanent look of disgust on our faces, occasionally pointing and muttering, “ewww…” Old Japanese paintings of couples in horrifically uncomfortable positions doing the nasty (and appropriately censored in all the right places, as is the Japanese style) adorned the upper walls, while shelves of trinkets and carvings and even taxidermy animals in heat filled each room as we went along. We admired the kimonos adorned with sex positions, penis-shaped golf clubs, and more faces with nose-dicks than you could ever imagine.
After making our way through the museum and officially burning any and all desire to even consider engaging in any form of even remotely sexual activity we made our way to the gift shop where we politely refused buying penis keitai charms and caramel penises on a stick for our co-workers and friends. The drive home was a mostly silent one and we made a vow to never visit Gunma’s penis museum ever again.
If you would like a diagnosis of your reproductive ailments and a blow to your self esteem I suggest making your way to Ikaho and checking out this bizarre museum. Check out her website, if you can get past the strange English. It is perhaps the strangest 900 yen you will ever spend.